


Happiness

by kunstvogel



Series: BoB Rarepair Vignettes [2]
Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2019-02-14 14:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13009611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunstvogel/pseuds/kunstvogel
Summary: Lew's having another bad day.





	Happiness

When Carwood comes home, he knows immediately that something is wrong. He’d felt his stomach twisting into knots all through the day, like a warning, but he couldn’t call off work just because he had a bad feeling. Now he sheds his coat and shoes and peeks into all of the rooms, empty and void of life, before finally approaching his and Lew’s bedroom.

"Lewis? Are you in here?" Carwood pushes open their bedroom door slowly, his eyes seeking out his lover. He spots Lew under the covers, the faint light from the window falling over his shoulder. The lights are off and the curtains drawn, just like they had been in the morning, and there's no sign that Lew has moved at all.   
  
Carwood frowns and steps into the room, worried. He crawls up onto the bed and cups Lew's bare shoulder.   
  
"'M fine," Lew mutters. He doesn't move or even acknowledge Carwood's touch, and it's clear now that he hadn't gotten out of bed at all. He's unshaven, his hair sticking up in all directions, and Carwood can still smell the sex on him from the night before.   
  
"I don't think you are," he says gently. "Didn't you have a shift today?"   
  
Lew scowls. "I asked Dick to cover for me."   
  
"Lew, I thought you were getting better about this," Carwood sighs. "Did you take your pills?"   
  
"They don't  _ work _ ," Lew snaps, pulling away from Carwood and curling up tighter. The rejection stings, but Carwood swallows and drops his hand in his lap.   
  
"That's because you haven't been taking them," he retorts. "I know you've been lying to me, Lew."   
  
Carwood doesn't know when it'd started, but if he had to guess he'd say it was a week ago. Lew had been getting better for so long- he was happier, slept better, and went to work diligently, and when Carwood came home it was to the smell of Lew's home cooked dinners- but then he'd come to a head and plummeted down again. It was exhausting to deal with. Lew was prone to lethargy; he'd lose all desire to take care of himself and would lie in bed, crying and sleeping at turns until someone coaxed him out of the house for a while. And when his mood inevitably came up again, Lew would become manic, fixating on a model yacht or an elaborate dessert and begging for sex for a few days until he burnt himself out again.   
  
Before, he'd had Dick, but Dick had never found the courage to demand Lew get the help he needed, and they'd broken up after an awful fight that left them both devastated in their own ways.   
  
Now, Lew only burrows deeper under the covers, ignoring Carwood.   
  
"Tell me what's wrong."   
  
Silence.   
  
"Lew, please," Carwood insists. "What's been going on with you? Is it something I did?"   
  
"No," Lew mumbles, "it wasn't you."   
  
"Well, what is it, then?"   
  
"I don't know," says Lew, his voice thready. "I'm fucked up, Car, I-I'm not- I don't deserve you."   
  
"Hey, that isn't true," Carwood objects softly, reaching again for Lew's shoulder. "You don't give yourself enough credit, sweetheart. You're the bravest man I know, and you're so talented and passionate."   
  
"Brave?" Lew croaks, finally turning to look at Carwood. He's been crying, though he isn't now. "I'm a  _ coward _ ."

“Lew,” Carwood sighs. He knows he can’t change Lew’s mind about it right now and tries a different approach. “When’s the last time you ate?”

“Dinner,” Lew admits softly.

“Jesus, Lew.” Carwood’s stomach clenches with worry. “C’mon, let’s get your pills and something to eat.”

“I don’t want to get up,” Lew whines. “Please, Car, I’m so tired.”

“Okay,” Carwood relents, “but you gotta get up after you eat, baby. You need some exercise, it’ll help you feel better.”

Lew grumbles but lets Carwood pull him out of bed after he eats. They pull on sneakers and coats and go for a walk through town, and after, Carwood guides Lew through their stretches.

“Shower,” he says decidedly, and takes Lew’s hand. Under the spray he washes Lew’s hair and kisses him. He knows he’ll never be able to kiss the sadness away, but he sees Lew loosen up a little as he kisses back languidly. Lew’s always been receptive to touch more than anything else and tends to soak it up when it’s offered to him.

Still, he needs to hear it.

“I love you, Lew,” Carwood murmurs against Lew’s cheek. “I know you have a hard time feeling like you deserve it, but I think you’re worthy of all the love in the world.”

Lew bites his lip and Carwood takes his hands before he can retreat into himself again.

“I mean it, sweetheart, I promise.” Carwood kisses Lew’s cheek and pulls him in for a hug. He can feel Lew shuddering against him, gasping sharply as he starts to cry, and Carwood rubs his back soothingly. “It’s okay,” he croons over and over. “You’re safe. I love you.”

When the water runs cold they towel off and fall into bed together, and Lew slots himself up against Carwood with a soft noise and dozes off. Carwood knows Lew won’t be magically okay again in the morning. He knows that, in actuality, Lew will probably never be free of the sadness and the guilt which grip him so tightly. But Carwood knows that for every bad day, there will be just as many good days. And over time, with the right medication and lifestyle, Lew could have a good month to every one of his bad days.

After all, happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.


End file.
